What is one belief that you had has changed completely over the years?

I will go first

We all have beliefs, morals, and principles that we abide by, according to our religions, ethnicity, culture, and politics. All of these play a vital role in our growth, understanding, and comprehension of the world, being of great value in our personal lives. Because it gives us direction, meaning, and knowledge to live and thrive.

But sometimes…

You have a shift in mind.

You have a strange thought, or a strange realization of one of the things that you all follow and devote yourself to. And you question and wonder, “Why do we do that?”.

*pause*

“Why is it good? How is it right? How is it fair?”

The questions of why, how, and what begin. Suddenly, you are able to comprehend things that no one ever did. You were able to question things that no one ever asked or dared to. A moment of change, a moment of growth, a moment of enlightenment. Your perspective changes. People see 6 and 9 from different positions, but you see a 3D 6 from an overview. And when you tell that to people or explain it to them, they would simply think you are crazy, delusional, or mentally sick.

Even if you are right and saying the truth, there is 1% chance people would believe you even with proof, until centuries later when it becomes a thing.

Growing up, I always believed that if you are harmed in any way, shape, or form, it’s always the person who harmed you’s fault. You are the victim, they are the villain, done and dusted. There is no in between, there is no victim ever contributing to the problem, and there isn’t any villain being a victim for even the slightest bit.
It’s clear as day, you are the victim, they are the villain.

Everyone knows this. Everyone believes this by heart in most cultures and parts of the world.

But…

What if…it was never true? What if there is a flaw in that thinking? Why is there no shades of grey? Why is it all black and white?

The exact origin of my thinking pattern is unclear to when this concept has been nullified as valid in my mind. But as I grew up, I realised more and more that.was.not.true.

You see, life is not black and white. It is also shades of grey. But we often dismiss it to “simplify” our lives, when in reality, we only make it more complicated by doing so. Because we create more injustice in trying to do one “just” thing. And many people become victims of the injustice, which is known as “just” to us, as a result of our black and white thinking, when it’s not.

Let’s talk a bit about people pleasers. We all like people pleasers for all they do for us and how likable they are, etc. But to the core, it’s hard for us to genuinely like them because they are always agreeable, and we human beings love imperfections and connect better when there is some friction, disagreement, and true vulnerability. Being highly agreeable is annoying because you can’t connect or hear what’s in their heart; as a result, you feel distanced and disconnected.

I have been a people pleaser all my life. I still am, but not as bad as I used to be in my previous years. I was frustrated with people always overstepping my boundaries, taking advantage of my kindness, treating me poorly, and not respecting me as a person.

I thought to myself, “Why is life so unfair to me? Why can they not respect me? How can they even treat me like that when I have done them good?”

I was mad and sad. I thought people were so unfair, they are so selfish, they don’t want to be kind back, nor do they ever want to help anyone, they simply want to keep taking and never give. And the conclusion was that they are the villains, while people pleasers, including me, were the victims.

Until later, someone told me that I was responsible for my actions and that I played a role in how they treated me.

At first, I was deeply offended. “You think I am wrong after the amount of help and kindness I have spread around? People are treating me this way because they are evil. Why would I be at fault?” But she explained that I wasn’t necessarily at fault; she wasn’t pointing fingers at me, rather, she was telling me I was responsible for the way I handled the situation.

Responsible?

What does that even mean?

If you are telling me I am responsible yet not at fault, what does that even mean?

To be at fault means you are to blame for what has happened. To be responsible means you are to fix/do something about it. One is a fact or accusation, another is a mode of action to change things around or make them better.

You are not at fault for what happens to you. You are responsible for handling it differently. People respect your boundaries if you are not putting them well. They will keep taking if you keep giving. They will never give if you never ask. Everyone has a life, and everyone has problems. And everyone is so busy dealing with their problems that they have little to no headspace to think about others and how they are affecting the people around them. And that is where communication and action come in.

You need to voice your opinion. You need to voice your needs. You need to voice if something is bothering you about how people are treating you. You need to respect yourself for others to respect you. You need to be confident in yourself for others to see you as someone to respect. You need to learn how to set boundaries. You need to learn how to be stern with people. You need to do the work and with others to create a harmonious community.

Communication and collaboration are what create communities of people who live happily.

If people are overstepping your boundaries, then it does not mean they are villains; it just means you have given them the key to open it when you had the choice to never give that key.

People pleasing is an illusion. It makes us feel almost obligated to be a doormat for people to walk all over. But what we don’t realize is that we have the choice to be a doormat or anything other than a doormat. As scary as it sounds, it is true, you have the choice to choose yourself, to take care of yourself, and not worship others. It is absolutely not wrong for you to say no. It is absolutely not wrong to protect your spirit.

But we should be kind to others; it’s wrong to be mean, rude, or unkind, isn’t it?

Yes, true. But as I said, people pleasing is an illusion. It’s an illusion of making us think that we are being kind when we are being unjust to ourselves and others. Yes. Others as well. Because you are not being authentic hence people have a false image of you that is not you, when they want the genuine you, to not treat you unjustly.

Secondly, kindness is genuine if you are not resentful of being kind to others. If you are resentful, then it’s not kindness anymore, it’s obligation. Though sometimes there are things you need to do out of obligation, which is normal. But if you are stuck in a loop from hell, where you are always giving and giving and giving that you are drained and never getting anything back. That is not kindness, but rather obligation and worship of others.

This was the belief that has changed completely over the years, from thinking people are villains and I am not, to I am responsible for what happens to me and have a lot more in control over how people treat me. I am not doomed to being treated poorly, nor am I doomed to worship others.

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Take good care of yourself and take good care of others. You are stronger than you think. Have a wonderful day!🌼

Share with us what is something you have believed that has completely changed for you over the years<3

And excuse me broken writing, I’m rusty⚙️🛠️